miércoles, septiembre 15, 2010

I can’t be left alone.

I was thinking about it, you know, all of it, how it all went down; doing a forensic analysis of my life. But it’s not that easy you know? Too much sweat and blood around, DNA samples that could take a while.

I was thinking about boys and men, and when the former became the latter? Not sure. How can I tell?

I was thinking about being needy. I am. I want to have fun and sometimes that comes off as needy… other times it is plain needy that comes off as needy.

I was thinking about conversations; how nice and comfy they are. I was thinking about all those conversations I have in my head with friends, about all the make-believe chats I have with strangers. It’s easier than meeting people and I get to edit as much as I want.

I was thinking about being scare. About how scare I am. About how few things I have now. About how I had more things months ago (and I had to let them go), how I had many things years ago (and I had to let them go). How I had feelings and I have feelings, but the new feelings are much scarier.

I was thinking about dogs. About how far I am from having one. I first need a job, later an apartment (but it is going to be too small for a dog), so I will need to save some money, I will need to become better at the job I found, I will need to buy a car o a metro card, I will need to buy a bed, bedside table and a lamp (some books to read before dreaming), I will need to buy a nice painting done by a friend (a conversation starter for visitors), I will need to buy new clothes, smart shoes, makeup and a hair dryer (I am getting older and such things will become necessities). I will need to pay gas, electricity and internet. I will need to buy a phone… in the end, the bigger apartment will have to wait longer than expected; the dog will have to wait as well.

I was thinking about relationships. Will I ever want one again? Right now, I think not... but I am needy, I like conversations and I am scared, so maybe, in time a good man will sound nice.

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